When I first gave my ex-boyfriend my number, he texted me asking to feature his Soundcloud rappin' friend on my blog.
I was immediately irritated for two reasons:
That's what creatives do. We use our experiences and turn them into art. I was given this life to change lives. I was given this gift to realize my purpose.
I realized my purpose early in life, so I never really had time for guys. By the time I was old enough to date, I was busy being a teacher's pet. Blowing into a flute. Marching around a football field. Fiddling on a violin. Sorting fruit in a yogurt shop part-time. Normal teen things. By the time I came up for air, it was time for prom and I was taking my pictures dateless.
In college, I had a little too much air. I was single all four years, and I casually dated. I had no intention to be tied down during the years that were supposed to be the best of my life. My only responsibilities were to get good grades, not get kicked out of my on-campus apartment, and to manage my money so my mom wouldn't yell at me.
When I look back, I'm glad I decided to just live. I learned how to be sad without somebody being there for me. I'm not pressed for male attention. I learned how to deal with figuring out the guy who was all over you at the set (house party) Friday has a girlfriend. When all of my friends have dates, I know how to entertain myself. I even take myself on dates. I have truly fallen in love with myself.
That's why, in January, I didn't mind looking my ex in the face and telling him that I would be his girlfriend. He would be an addition, not my completion. By Valentine's Day, we were happy. With my tulips and teddy bear in hand, he looked at me and said, "Your birthday is coming up, and I can't wait."
Well, he didn't wait. But I did! I waited for him to tell me Happy Birthday. It turns out he forgot. He forgot my birthday. The day I was born. The day I turned 23 years old. I was shocked, but not upset. I got up, showered, did my makeup, straightened my hair, and got dressed. Once my friends showed up, we went out to eat and sucked down margaritas all night. His name never even came up.
I wondered why it didn't get to me so badly. Was something wrong with me? Am I heartless? I realized that the answer to both questions is no. However, I am full of love and I'm a whole, happy being. I'm able to practice discernment and realize that I lack nothing. This temporary boyfriend forgot my birthday. My life-long friends didn't. My family didn't.
Don't get me wrong, I did text him cussing him out and telling him how he'll never find anyone like me. I may be saved and one with my higher self...but I ain't perfect and God ain't through with me yet.
As of three weeks ago, his number is blocked. I don't plan on talking to him again. As my bestfriend Ryan would say, "You're the prize, Lexx."
I look in the mirror and tell myself that everyday. So, to my ex: may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful, may you live with ease. I'm taking my love and kindness to a man who is ready to receive it.
Remember: If a man says he doesn't deserve you, believe him. The right one will know that they DO deserve you.
Thanks for reading! See you in two weeks.
Read or Weep,
I've been in a humble brag mood lately. Todays Humble Brag: I'm a musical genius!
I'm a flutist and violinist with impeccable music taste. In high school, I would always suggest songs, themes, etc. to my band teacher for marching band shows (Shoutout to Mr. Brooks!).
The right beat and lyrical poem flowing through my headphones brings tears to my eyes. I want my readers to do the same. Below is a playlist for the mood that's sometimes hard for us to explain. When we're not upbeat, but we're not down either. When we don't want anything hardcore, but we still want some culture and soul. I've got you covered.
Read or Weep,